THE MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR

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Contents

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

SIR JOHN FALSTAFF (FALSTAFF:) 
FENTON a gentleman. 
SHALLOW a country justice. 
SLENDER cousin to Shallow. 
FORD 

PAGE 

 |
| two gentlemen dwelling at Windsor.
| 
WILLIAM PAGE a boy, son to Page. 
SIR HUGH EVANS a Welsh parson. 
DOCTOR CAIUS a French physician. 
Host of the Garter Inn. (Host:) 
BARDOLPH 

PISTOL 

NYM 

 |
|
| sharpers attending on Falstaff.
|
| 
ROBIN page to Falstaff. 
SIMPLE servant to Slender. 
RUGBY servant to Doctor Caius. 
MISTRESS FORD:
MISTRESS PAGE:
ANNE PAGE her daughter. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY servant to Doctor Caius. 
Servants to Page, Ford, &c.
(Servant:)
(First Servant:)
(Second Servant:) 

Scene

Windsor, and the neighbourhood. 

Act I

Scene I Windsor. Before PAGE's house.

[Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS] 
SHALLOW Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star-
chamber matter of it: if he were twenty Sir John
Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire. 
SLENDER In the county of Gloucester, justice of peace and
'Coram.' 
SHALLOW Ay, cousin Slender, and 'Custalourum. 
SLENDER Ay, and 'Rato-lorum' too; and a gentleman born,
master parson; who writes himself 'Armigero,' in any
bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation, 'Armigero.' 
SHALLOW Ay, that I do; and have done any time these three
hundred years. 
SLENDER All his successors gone before him hath done't; and
all his ancestors that come after him may: they may
give the dozen white luces in their coat. 
SHALLOW It is an old coat. 
SIR HUGH EVANS The dozen white louses do become an old coat well;
it agrees well, passant; it is a familiar beast to
man, and signifies love. 
SHALLOW The luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is an old coat. 
SLENDER I may quarter, coz. 
SHALLOW You may, by marrying. 
SIR HUGH EVANS It is marring indeed, if he quarter it. 
SHALLOW Not a whit. 
SIR HUGH EVANS Yes, py'r lady; if he has a quarter of your coat,
there is but three skirts for yourself, in my
simple conjectures: but that is all one. If Sir
John Falstaff have committed disparagements unto
you, I am of the church, and will be glad to do my
benevolence to make atonements and compremises
between you. 
SHALLOW The council shall bear it; it is a riot. 
SIR HUGH EVANS It is not meet the council hear a riot; there is no
fear of Got in a riot: the council, look you, shall
desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a
riot; take your vizaments in that. 
SHALLOW Ha! o' my life, if I were young again, the sword
should end it. 
SIR HUGH EVANS It is petter that friends is the sword, and end it:
and there is also another device in my prain, which
peradventure prings goot discretions with it: there
is Anne Page, which is daughter to Master Thomas
Page, which is pretty virginity. 
SLENDER Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and speaks
small like a woman. 
SIR HUGH EVANS It is that fery person for all the orld, as just as
you will desire; and seven hundred pounds of moneys,
and gold and silver, is her grandsire upon his
death's-bed--Got deliver to a joyful resurrections!
--give, when she is able to overtake seventeen years
old: it were a goot motion if we leave our pribbles
and prabbles, and desire a marriage between Master
Abraham and Mistress Anne Page. 
SLENDER Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound? 
SIR HUGH EVANS Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny. 
SLENDER I know the young gentlewoman; she has good gifts. 
SIR HUGH EVANS Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is goot gifts. 
SHALLOW Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff there? 
SIR HUGH EVANS Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do
despise one that is false, or as I despise one that
is not true. The knight, Sir John, is there; and, I
beseech you, be ruled by your well-willers. I will
peat the door for Master Page. 
[Knocks] 
What, hoa! Got pless your house here! 
PAGE [Within] Who's there? 
[Enter PAGE] 
SIR HUGH EVANS Here is Got's plessing, and your friend, and Justice
Shallow; and here young Master Slender, that
peradventures shall tell you another tale, if
matters grow to your likings. 
PAGE I am glad to see your worships well.
I thank you for my venison, Master Shallow. 
SHALLOW Master Page, I am glad to see you: much good do it
your good heart! I wished your venison better; it
was ill killed. How doth good Mistress Page?--and I
thank you always with my heart, la! with my heart. 
PAGE Sir, I thank you. 
SHALLOW Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do. 
PAGE I am glad to see you, good Master Slender. 
SLENDER How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say he
was outrun on Cotsall. 
PAGE It could not be judged, sir. 
SLENDER You'll not confess, you'll not confess. 
SHALLOW That he will not. 'Tis your fault, 'tis your fault;
'tis a good dog. 
PAGE A cur, sir. 
SHALLOW Sir, he's a good dog, and a fair dog: can there be
more said? he is good and fair. Is Sir John
Falstaff here? 
PAGE Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good
office between you. 
SIR HUGH EVANS It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak. 
SHALLOW He hath wronged me, Master Page. 
PAGE Sir, he doth in some sort confess it. 
SHALLOW If it be confessed, it is not redress'd: is not that
so, Master Page? He hath wronged me; indeed he
hath, at a word, he hath, believe me: Robert
Shallow, esquire, saith, he is wronged. 
PAGE Here comes Sir John. 
[Enter FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, NYM, and PISTOL] 
FALSTAFF Now, Master Shallow, you'll complain of me to the king? 
SHALLOW Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, and
broke open my lodge. 
FALSTAFF But not kissed your keeper's daughter? 
SHALLOW Tut, a pin! this shall be answered. 
FALSTAFF I will answer it straight; I have done all this.
That is now answered. 
SHALLOW The council shall know this. 
FALSTAFF 'Twere better for you if it were known in counsel:
you'll be laughed at. 
SIR HUGH EVANS Pauca verba, Sir John; goot worts. 
FALSTAFF Good worts! good cabbage. Slender, I broke your
head: what matter have you against me? 
SLENDER Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you;
and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph,
Nym, and Pistol. 
BARDOLPH You Banbury cheese! 
SLENDER Ay, it is no matter. 
PISTOL How now, Mephostophilus! 
SLENDER Ay, it is no matter. 
NYM Slice, I say! pauca, pauca: slice! that's my humour. 
SLENDER Where's Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin? 
SIR HUGH EVANS Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There is
three umpires in this matter, as I understand; that
is, Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is
myself, fidelicet myself; and the three party is,
lastly and finally, mine host of the Garter. 
PAGE We three, to hear it and end it between them. 
SIR HUGH EVANS Fery goot: I will make a prief of it in my note-
book; and we will afterwards ork upon the cause with
as great discreetly as we can. 
FALSTAFF Pistol! 
PISTOL He hears with ears. 
SIR HUGH EVANS The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this, 'He
hears with ear'? why, it is affectations. 
FALSTAFF Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse? 
SLENDER Ay, by these gloves, did he, or I would I might
never come in mine own great chamber again else, of
seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward
shovel-boards, that cost me two shilling and two
pence apiece of Yead Miller, by these gloves. 
FALSTAFF Is this true, Pistol? 
SIR HUGH EVANS No; it is false, if it is a pick-purse. 
PISTOL Ha, thou mountain-foreigner! Sir John and Master mine,
I combat challenge of this latten bilbo.
Word of denial in thy labras here!
Word of denial: froth and scum, thou liest! 
SLENDER By these gloves, then, 'twas he. 
NYM Be avised, sir, and pass good humours: I will say
'marry trap' with you, if you run the nuthook's
humour on me; that is the very note of it. 
SLENDER By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for
though I cannot remember what I did when you made me
drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass. 
FALSTAFF What say you, Scarlet and John? 
BARDOLPH Why, sir, for my part I say the gentleman had drunk
himself out of his five sentences. 
SIR HUGH EVANS It is his five senses: fie, what the ignorance is! 
BARDOLPH And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashiered; and
so conclusions passed the careires. 
SLENDER Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but 'tis no
matter: I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again,
but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick:
if I be drunk, I'll be drunk with those that have
the fear of God, and not with drunken knaves. 
SIR HUGH EVANS So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind. 
FALSTAFF You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you hear it. 
[Enter ANNE PAGE, with wine; MISTRESS FORD
and MISTRESS PAGE, following] 
PAGE Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we'll drink within. 
[Exit ANNE PAGE] 
SLENDER O heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page. 
PAGE How now, Mistress Ford! 
FALSTAFF Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well met:
by your leave, good mistress. 
[Kisses her] 
PAGE Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a
hot venison pasty to dinner: come, gentlemen, I hope
we shall drink down all unkindness. 
[Exeunt all except SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS] 
SLENDER I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of
Songs and Sonnets here. 
[Enter SIMPLE] 
How now, Simple! where have you been? I must wait
on myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddles
about you, have you? 
SIMPLE Book of Riddles! why, did you not lend it to Alice
Shortcake upon All-hallowmas last, a fortnight
afore Michaelmas? 
SHALLOW Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word with
you, coz; marry, this, coz: there is, as 'twere, a
tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh
here. Do you understand me? 
SLENDER Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so,
I shall do that that is reason. 
SHALLOW Nay, but understand me. 
SLENDER So I do, sir. 
SIR HUGH EVANS Give ear to his motions, Master Slender: I will
description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it. 
SLENDER Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says: I pray
you, pardon me; he's a justice of peace in his
country, simple though I stand here. 
SIR HUGH EVANS But that is not the question: the question is
concerning your marriage. 
SHALLOW Ay, there's the point, sir. 
SIR HUGH EVANS Marry, is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne Page. 
SLENDER Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any
reasonable demands. 
SIR HUGH EVANS But can you affection the 'oman? Let us command to
know that of your mouth or of your lips; for divers
philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of the
mouth. Therefore, precisely, can you carry your
good will to the maid? 
SHALLOW Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her? 
SLENDER I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that
would do reason. 
SIR HUGH EVANS Nay, Got's lords and his ladies! you must speak
possitable, if you can carry her your desires
towards her. 
SHALLOW That you must. Will you, upon good dowry, marry her? 
SLENDER I will do a greater thing than that, upon your
request, cousin, in any reason. 
SHALLOW Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz: what I do
is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid? 
SLENDER I will marry her, sir, at your request: but if there
be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may
decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we are
married and have more occasion to know one another;
I hope, upon familiarity will grow more contempt:
but if you say, 'Marry her,' I will marry her; that
I am freely dissolved, and dissolutely. 
SIR HUGH EVANS It is a fery discretion answer; save the fall is in
the ort 'dissolutely:' the ort is, according to our
meaning, 'resolutely:' his meaning is good. 
SHALLOW Ay, I think my cousin meant well. 
SLENDER Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la! 
SHALLOW Here comes fair Mistress Anne. 
[Re-enter ANNE PAGE] 
Would I were young for your sake, Mistress Anne! 
ANNE PAGE The dinner is on the table; my father desires your
worships' company. 
SHALLOW I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne. 
SIR HUGH EVANS Od's plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace. 
[Exeunt SHALLOW and SIR HUGH EVANS] 
ANNE PAGE Will't please your worship to come in, sir? 
SLENDER No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very well. 
ANNE PAGE The dinner attends you, sir. 
SLENDER I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go,
sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my
cousin Shallow. 
[Exit SIMPLE] 
A justice of peace sometimes may be beholding to his
friend for a man. I keep but three men and a boy
yet, till my mother be dead: but what though? Yet I
live like a poor gentleman born. 
ANNE PAGE I may not go in without your worship: they will not
sit till you come. 
SLENDER I' faith, I'll eat nothing; I thank you as much as
though I did. 
ANNE PAGE I pray you, sir, walk in. 
SLENDER I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised
my shin th' other day with playing at sword and
dagger with a master of fence; three veneys for a
dish of stewed prunes; and, by my troth, I cannot
abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your
dogs bark so? be there bears i' the town? 
ANNE PAGE I think there are, sir; I heard them talked of. 
SLENDER I love the sport well but I shall as soon quarrel at
it as any man in England. You are afraid, if you see
the bear loose, are you not? 
ANNE PAGE Ay, indeed, sir. 
SLENDER That's meat and drink to me, now. I have seen
Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by
the chain; but, I warrant you, the women have so
cried and shrieked at it, that it passed: but women,
indeed, cannot abide 'em; they are very ill-favored
rough things. 
[Re-enter PAGE] 
PAGE Come, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you. 
SLENDER I'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir. 
PAGE By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! come, come. 
SLENDER Nay, pray you, lead the way. 
PAGE Come on, sir. 
SLENDER Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first. 
ANNE PAGE Not I, sir; pray you, keep on. 
SLENDER I'll rather be unmannerly than troublesome.
You do yourself wrong, indeed, la! 
[Exeunt] 

Scene II The same.

[Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE] 
SIR HUGH EVANS Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius' house which
is the way: and there dwells one Mistress Quickly,
which is in the manner of his nurse, or his dry
nurse, or his cook, or his laundry, his washer, and
his wringer. 
SIMPLE Well, sir. 
SIR HUGH EVANS Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter; for it
is a 'oman that altogether's acquaintance with
Mistress Anne Page: and the letter is, to desire
and require her to solicit your master's desires to
Mistress Anne Page. I pray you, be gone: I will
make an end of my dinner; there's pippins and cheese to come. 
[Exeunt] 

Scene III A room in the Garter Inn.

[Enter FALSTAFF, Host, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL,
and ROBIN] 
FALSTAFF Mine host of the Garter! 
Host What says my bully-rook? speak scholarly and wisely. 
FALSTAFF Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my
followers. 
Host Discard, bully Hercules; cashier: let them wag; trot, trot. 
FALSTAFF I sit at ten pounds a week. 
Host Thou'rt an emperor, Caesar, Keisar, and Pheezar. I
will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall
tap: said I well, bully Hector? 
FALSTAFF Do so, good mine host. 
Host I have spoke; let him follow. 
[To BARDOLPH] 
Let me see thee froth and lime: I am at a word; follow. 
[Exit] 
FALSTAFF Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade:
an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered
serving-man a fresh tapster. Go; adieu. 
BARDOLPH It is a life that I have desired: I will thrive. 
PISTOL O base Hungarian wight! wilt thou the spigot wield? 
[Exit BARDOLPH] 
NYM He was gotten in drink: is not the humour conceited? 
FALSTAFF I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox: his
thefts were too open; his filching was like an
unskilful singer; he kept not time. 
NYM The good humour is to steal at a minute's rest. 
PISTOL 'Convey,' the wise it call. 'Steal!' foh! a fico
for the phrase! 
FALSTAFF Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels. 
PISTOL Why, then, let kibes ensue. 
FALSTAFF There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift. 
PISTOL Young ravens must have food. 
FALSTAFF Which of you know Ford of this town? 
PISTOL I ken the wight: he is of substance good. 
FALSTAFF My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about. 
PISTOL Two yards, and more. 
FALSTAFF No quips now, Pistol! Indeed, I am in the waist two
yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am about
thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's
wife: I spy entertainment in her; she discourses,
she carves, she gives the leer of invitation: I
can construe the action of her familiar style; and
the hardest voice of her behavior, to be Englished
rightly, is, 'I am Sir John Falstaff's.' 
PISTOL He hath studied her will, and translated her will,
out of honesty into English. 
NYM The anchor is deep: will that humour pass? 
FALSTAFF Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her
husband's purse: he hath a legion of angels. 
PISTOL As many devils entertain; and 'To her, boy,' say I. 
NYM The humour rises; it is good: humour me the angels. 
FALSTAFF I have writ me here a letter to her: and here
another to Page's wife, who even now gave me good
eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious
oeillades; sometimes the beam of her view gilded my
foot, sometimes my portly belly. 
PISTOL Then did the sun on dunghill shine. 
NYM I thank thee for that humour. 
FALSTAFF O, she did so course o'er my exteriors with such a
greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did
seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass! Here's
another letter to her: she bears the purse too; she
is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will
be cheater to them both, and they shall be
exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West
Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou
this letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to
Mistress Ford: we will thrive, lads, we will thrive. 
PISTOL Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take all! 
NYM I will run no base humour: here, take the
humour-letter: I will keep the havior of reputation. 
FALSTAFF [To ROBIN] Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly;
Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.
Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go;
Trudge, plod away o' the hoof; seek shelter, pack!
Falstaff will learn the humour of the age,
French thrift, you rogues; myself and skirted page. 
[Exeunt FALSTAFF and ROBIN] 
PISTOL Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds,
And high and low beguiles the rich and poor:
Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
Base Phrygian Turk! 
NYM I have operations which be humours of revenge. 
PISTOL Wilt thou revenge? 
NYM By welkin and her star! 
PISTOL With wit or steel? 
NYM With both the humours, I:
I will discuss the humour of this love to Page. 
PISTOL And I to Ford shall eke unfold
How Falstaff, varlet vile,
His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
And his soft couch defile. 
NYM My humour shall not cool: I will incense Page to
deal with poison; I will possess him with
yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous:
that is my true humour. 
PISTOL Thou art the Mars of malecontents: I second thee; troop on. 
[Exeunt] 

Scene IV A room in DOCTOR CAIUS' house.

[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, SIMPLE, and RUGBY] 
MISTRESS QUICKLY What, John Rugby! I pray thee, go to the casement,
and see if you can see my master, Master Doctor
Caius, coming. If he do, i' faith, and find any
body in the house, here will be an old abusing of
God's patience and the king's English. 
RUGBY I'll go watch. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Go; and we'll have a posset for't soon at night, in
faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire. 
[Exit RUGBY] 
An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant
shall come in house withal, and, I warrant you, no
tell-tale nor no breed-bate: his worst fault is,
that he is given to prayer; he is something peevish
that way: but nobody but has his fault; but let
that pass. Peter Simple, you say your name is? 
SIMPLE Ay, for fault of a better. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY And Master Slender's your master? 
SIMPLE Ay, forsooth. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Does he not wear a great round beard, like a
glover's paring-knife? 
SIMPLE No, forsooth: he hath but a little wee face, with a
little yellow beard, a Cain-coloured beard. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY A softly-sprighted man, is he not? 
SIMPLE Ay, forsooth: but he is as tall a man of his hands
as any is between this and his head; he hath fought
with a warrener. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY How say you? O, I should remember him: does he not
hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait? 
SIMPLE Yes, indeed, does he. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune! Tell
Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for your
master: Anne is a good girl, and I wish-- 
[Re-enter RUGBY] 
RUGBY Out, alas! here comes my master. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young man;
go into this closet: he will not stay long. 
[Shuts SIMPLE in the closet] 
What, John Rugby! John! what, John, I say!
Go, John, go inquire for my master; I doubt
he be not well, that he comes not home. 
[Singing] 
And down, down, adown-a, &c. 
[Enter DOCTOR CAIUS] 
DOCTOR CAIUS Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys. Pray you,
go and vetch me in my closet un boitier vert, a box,
a green-a box: do intend vat I speak? a green-a box. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay, forsooth; I'll fetch it you. 
[Aside] 
I am glad he went not in himself: if he had found
the young man, he would have been horn-mad. 
DOCTOR CAIUS Fe, fe, fe, fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je
m'en vais a la cour--la grande affaire. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Is it this, sir? 
DOCTOR CAIUS Oui; mette le au mon pocket: depeche, quickly. Vere
is dat knave Rugby? 
MISTRESS QUICKLY What, John Rugby! John! 
RUGBY Here, sir! 
DOCTOR CAIUS You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby. Come,
take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to the court. 
RUGBY 'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch. 
DOCTOR CAIUS By my trot, I tarry too long. Od's me!
Qu'ai-j'oublie! dere is some simples in my closet,
dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay me, he'll find the young man here, and be mad! 
DOCTOR CAIUS O diable, diable! vat is in my closet? Villain! larron! 
[Pulling SIMPLE out] 
Rugby, my rapier! 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Good master, be content. 
DOCTOR CAIUS Wherefore shall I be content-a? 
MISTRESS QUICKLY The young man is an honest man. 
DOCTOR CAIUS What shall de honest man do in my closet? dere is
no honest man dat shall come in my closet. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic. Hear the truth
of it: he came of an errand to me from Parson Hugh. 
DOCTOR CAIUS Vell. 
SIMPLE Ay, forsooth; to desire her to-- 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Peace, I pray you. 
DOCTOR CAIUS Peace-a your tongue. Speak-a your tale. 
SIMPLE To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to
speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page for my
master in the way of marriage. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY This is all, indeed, la! but I'll ne'er put my
finger in the fire, and need not. 
DOCTOR CAIUS Sir Hugh send-a you? Rugby, baille me some paper.
Tarry you a little-a while. 
[Writes] 
MISTRESS QUICKLY [Aside to SIMPLE] I am glad he is so quiet: if he
had been thoroughly moved, you should have heard him
so loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding,
man, I'll do you your master what good I can: and
the very yea and the no is, the French doctor, my
master,--I may call him my master, look you, for I
keep his house; and I wash, wring, brew, bake,
scour, dress meat and drink, make the beds and do
all myself,-- 
SIMPLE [Aside to MISTRESS QUICKLY] 'Tis a great charge to
come under one body's hand. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY [Aside to SIMPLE] Are you avised o' that? you
shall find it a great charge: and to be up early
and down late; but notwithstanding,--to tell you in
your ear; I would have no words of it,--my master
himself is in love with Mistress Anne Page: but
notwithstanding that, I know Anne's mind,--that's
neither here nor there. 
DOCTOR CAIUS You jack'nape, give-a this letter to Sir Hugh; by
gar, it is a shallenge: I will cut his troat in dee
park; and I will teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest
to meddle or make. You may be gone; it is not good
you tarry here. By gar, I will cut all his two
stones; by gar, he shall not have a stone to throw
at his dog: 
[Exit SIMPLE] 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Alas, he speaks but for his friend. 
DOCTOR CAIUS It is no matter-a ver dat: do not you tell-a me
dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I
vill kill de Jack priest; and I have appointed mine
host of de Jarteer to measure our weapon. By gar, I
will myself have Anne Page. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. We
must give folks leave to prate: what, the good-jer! 
DOCTOR CAIUS Rugby, come to the court with me. By gar, if I have
not Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of my
door. Follow my heels, Rugby. 
[Exeunt DOCTOR CAIUS and RUGBY] 
MISTRESS QUICKLY You shall have An fool's-head of your own. No, I
know Anne's mind for that: never a woman in Windsor
knows more of Anne's mind than I do; nor can do more
than I do with her, I thank heaven. 
FENTON [Within] Who's within there? ho! 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Who's there, I trow! Come near the house, I pray you. 
[Enter FENTON] 
FENTON How now, good woman? how dost thou? 
MISTRESS QUICKLY The better that it pleases your good worship to ask. 
FENTON What news? how does pretty Mistress Anne? 
MISTRESS QUICKLY In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, and
gentle; and one that is your friend, I can tell you
that by the way; I praise heaven for it. 
FENTON Shall I do any good, thinkest thou? shall I not lose my suit? 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Troth, sir, all is in his hands above: but
notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I'll be sworn on a
book, she loves you. Have not your worship a wart
above your eye? 
FENTON Yes, marry, have I; what of that? 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Well, thereby hangs a tale: good faith, it is such
another Nan; but, I detest, an honest maid as ever
broke bread: we had an hour's talk of that wart. I
shall never laugh but in that maid's company! But
indeed she is given too much to allicholy and
musing: but for you--well, go to. 
FENTON Well, I shall see her to-day. Hold, there's money
for thee; let me have thy voice in my behalf: if
thou seest her before me, commend me. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Will I? i'faith, that we will; and I will tell your
worship more of the wart the next time we have
confidence; and of other wooers. 
FENTON Well, farewell; I am in great haste now. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Farewell to your worship. 
[Exit FENTON] 
Truly, an honest gentleman: but Anne loves him not;
for I know Anne's mind as well as another does. Out
upon't! what have I forgot? 
[Exit] 

Act II

Scene I Before PAGE'S house.

[Enter MISTRESS PAGE, with a letter] 
MISTRESS PAGE What, have I scaped love-letters in the holiday-
time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them?
Let me see. 
[Reads] 
'Ask me no reason why I love you; for though
Love use Reason for his physician, he admits him
not for his counsellor. You are not young, no more
am I; go to then, there's sympathy: you are merry,
so am I; ha, ha! then there's more sympathy: you
love sack, and so do I; would you desire better
sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page,--at
the least, if the love of soldier can suffice,--
that I love thee. I will not say, pity me; 'tis
not a soldier-like phrase: but I say, love me. By me,
Thine own true knight,
By day or night,
Or any kind of light,
With all his might
For thee to fight, JOHN FALSTAFF'
What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked
world! One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with
age to show himself a young gallant! What an
unweighed behavior hath this Flemish drunkard
picked--with the devil's name!--out of my
conversation, that he dares in this manner assay me?
Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! What
should I say to him? I was then frugal of my
mirth: Heaven forgive me! Why, I'll exhibit a bill
in the parliament for the putting down of men. How
shall I be revenged on him? for revenged I will be,
as sure as his guts are made of puddings. 
[Enter MISTRESS FORD] 
MISTRESS FORD Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your house. 
MISTRESS PAGE And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look very
ill. 
MISTRESS FORD Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to show to the contrary. 
MISTRESS PAGE Faith, but you do, in my mind. 
MISTRESS FORD Well, I do then; yet I say I could show you to the
contrary. O Mistress Page, give me some counsel! 
MISTRESS PAGE What's the matter, woman? 
MISTRESS FORD O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, I
could come to such honour! 
MISTRESS PAGE Hang the trifle, woman! take the honour. What is
it? dispense with trifles; what is it? 
MISTRESS FORD If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so,
I could be knighted. 
MISTRESS PAGE What? thou liest! Sir Alice Ford! These knights
will hack; and so thou shouldst not alter the
article of thy gentry. 
MISTRESS FORD We burn daylight: here, read, read; perceive how I
might be knighted. I shall think the worse of fat
men, as long as I have an eye to make difference of
men's liking: and yet he would not swear; praised
women's modesty; and gave such orderly and
well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness, that I
would have sworn his disposition would have gone to
the truth of his words; but they do no more adhere
and keep place together than the Hundredth Psalm to
the tune of 'Green Sleeves.' What tempest, I trow,
threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his
belly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged
on him? I think the best way were to entertain him
with hope, till the wicked fire of lust have melted
him in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like? 
MISTRESS PAGE Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and
Ford differs! To thy great comfort in this mystery
of ill opinions, here's the twin-brother of thy
letter: but let thine inherit first; for, I
protest, mine never shall. I warrant he hath a
thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for
different names--sure, more,--and these are of the
second edition: he will print them, out of doubt;
for he cares not what he puts into the press, when
he would put us two. I had rather be a giantess,
and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you
twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man. 
MISTRESS FORD Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the very
words. What doth he think of us? 
MISTRESS PAGE Nay, I know not: it makes me almost ready to
wrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertain
myself like one that I am not acquainted withal;
for, sure, unless he know some strain in me, that I
know not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury. 
MISTRESS FORD 'Boarding,' call you it? I'll be sure to keep him
above deck. 
MISTRESS PAGE So will I if he come under my hatches, I'll never
to sea again. Let's be revenged on him: let's
appoint him a meeting; give him a show of comfort in
his suit and lead him on with a fine-baited delay,
till he hath pawned his horses to mine host of the Garter. 
MISTRESS FORD Nay, I will consent to act any villany against him,
that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O,
that my husband saw this letter! it would give
eternal food to his jealousy. 
MISTRESS PAGE Why, look where he comes; and my good man too: he's
as far from jealousy as I am from giving him cause;
and that I hope is an unmeasurable distance. 
MISTRESS FORD You are the happier woman.
MISTRESS PAGE Let's consult together against this greasy knight.
Come hither. 
[They retire] 
[Enter FORD with PISTOL, and PAGE with NYM] 
FORD Well, I hope it be not so. 
PISTOL Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs:
Sir John affects thy wife. 
FORD Why, sir, my wife is not young. 
PISTOL He wooes both high and low, both rich and poor,
Both young and old, one with another, Ford;
He loves the gallimaufry: Ford, perpend. 
FORD Love my wife! 
PISTOL With liver burning hot. Prevent, or go thou,
Like Sir Actaeon he, with Ringwood at thy heels:
O, odious is the name! 
FORD What name, sir? 
PISTOL The horn, I say. Farewell.
Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by night:
Take heed, ere summer comes or cuckoo-birds do sing.
Away, Sir Corporal Nym!
Believe it, Page; he speaks sense. 
[Exit] 
FORD [Aside] I will be patient; I will find out this. 
NYM [To PAGE] And this is true; I like not the humour
of lying. He hath wronged me in some humours: I
should have borne the humoured letter to her; but I
have a sword and it shall bite upon my necessity.
He loves your wife; there's the short and the long.
My name is Corporal Nym; I speak and I avouch; 'tis
true: my name is Nym and Falstaff loves your wife.
Adieu. I love not the humour of bread and cheese,
and there's the humour of it. Adieu. 
[Exit] 
PAGE 'The humour of it,' quoth a'! here's a fellow
frights English out of his wits. 
FORD I will seek out Falstaff. 
PAGE I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue. 
FORD If I do find it: well. 
PAGE I will not believe such a Cataian, though the priest
o' the town commended him for a true man. 
FORD 'Twas a good sensible fellow: well. 
PAGE How now, Meg! 
[MISTRESS PAGE and MISTRESS FORD come forward] 
MISTRESS PAGE Whither go you, George? Hark you. 
MISTRESS FORD How now, sweet Frank! why art thou melancholy? 
FORD I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home, go. 
MISTRESS FORD Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head. Now,
will you go, Mistress Page? 
MISTRESS PAGE Have with you. You'll come to dinner, George. 
[Aside to MISTRESS FORD] 
Look who comes yonder: she shall be our messenger
to this paltry knight. 
MISTRESS FORD [Aside to MISTRESS PAGE] Trust me, I thought on her:
she'll fit it. 
[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY] 
MISTRESS PAGE You are come to see my daughter Anne? 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress Anne? 
MISTRESS PAGE Go in with us and see: we have an hour's talk with
you. 
[Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and MISTRESS QUICKLY] 
PAGE How now, Master Ford! 
FORD You heard what this knave told me, did you not? 
PAGE Yes: and you heard what the other told me? 
FORD Do you think there is truth in them? 
PAGE Hang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight would
offer it: but these that accuse him in his intent
towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded men;
very rogues, now they be out of service. 
FORD Were they his men? 
PAGE Marry, were they. 
FORD I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at
the Garter? 
PAGE Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage
towards my wife, I would turn her loose to him; and
what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it
lie on my head. 
FORD I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath to
turn them together. A man may be too confident: I
would have nothing lie on my head: I cannot be thus satisfied. 
PAGE Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes:
there is either liquor in his pate or money in his
purse when he looks so merrily. 
[Enter Host] 
How now, mine host! 
Host How now, bully-rook! thou'rt a gentleman.
Cavaleiro-justice, I say! 
[Enter SHALLOW] 
SHALLOW I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even and
twenty, good Master Page! Master Page, will you go
with us? we have sport in hand. 
Host Tell him, cavaleiro-justice; tell him, bully-rook. 
SHALLOW Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh
the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor. 
FORD Good mine host o' the Garter, a word with you. 
[Drawing him aside] 
Host What sayest thou, my bully-rook? 
SHALLOW [To PAGE] Will you go with us to behold it? My
merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons;
and, I think, hath appointed them contrary places;
for, believe me, I hear the parson is no jester.
Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be. 
[They converse apart] 
Host Hast thou no suit against my knight, my
guest-cavaleire? 
FORD None, I protest: but I'll give you a pottle of
burnt sack to give me recourse to him and tell him
my name is Brook; only for a jest. 
Host My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress;
--said I well?--and thy name shall be Brook. It is
a merry knight. Will you go, An-heires? 
SHALLOW Have with you, mine host. 
PAGE I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in
his rapier. 
SHALLOW Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these times
you stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes, and
I know not what: 'tis the heart, Master Page; 'tis
here, 'tis here. I have seen the time, with my long
sword I would have made you four tall fellows skip like rats. 
Host Here, boys, here, here! shall we wag? 
PAGE Have with you. I would rather hear them scold than fight. 
[Exeunt Host, SHALLOW, and PAGE] 
FORD Though Page be a secure fool, an stands so firmly
on his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off my
opinion so easily: she was in his company at Page's
house; and what they made there, I know not. Well,
I will look further into't: and I have a disguise
to sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not
my labour; if she be otherwise, 'tis labour well bestowed. 
[Exit] 

Scene II A room in the Garter Inn.

[Enter FALSTAFF and PISTOL] 
FALSTAFF I will not lend thee a penny. 
PISTOL Why, then the world's mine oyster.
Which I with sword will open. 
FALSTAFF Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should
lay my countenance to pawn; I have grated upon my
good friends for three reprieves for you and your
coach-fellow Nym; or else you had looked through
the grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am damned in
hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends, you were
good soldiers and tall fellows; and when Mistress
Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took't upon
mine honour thou hadst it not. 
PISTOL Didst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteen pence? 
FALSTAFF Reason, you rogue, reason: thinkest thou I'll
endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more
about me, I am no gibbet for you. Go. A short knife
and a throng! To your manor of Pickt-hatch! Go.
You'll not bear a letter for me, you rogue! you
stand upon your honour! Why, thou unconfinable
baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the
terms of my honour precise: I, I, I myself
sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand
and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to
shuffle, to hedge and to lurch; and yet you, rogue,
will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain
looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your
bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your
honour! You will not do it, you! 
PISTOL I do relent: what would thou more of man? 
[Enter ROBIN] 
ROBIN Sir, here's a woman would speak with you. 
FALSTAFF Let her approach. 
[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY] 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Give your worship good morrow. 
FALSTAFF Good morrow, good wife. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Not so, an't please your worship. 
FALSTAFF Good maid, then. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY I'll be sworn,
As my mother was, the first hour I was born. 
FALSTAFF I do believe the swearer. What with me? 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two? 
FALSTAFF Two thousand, fair woman: and I'll vouchsafe thee
the hearing. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY There is one Mistress Ford, sir:--I pray, come a
little nearer this ways:--I myself dwell with master
Doctor Caius,-- 
FALSTAFF Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say,-- 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Your worship says very true: I pray your worship,
come a little nearer this ways. 
FALSTAFF I warrant thee, nobody hears; mine own people, mine
own people. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Are they so? God bless them and make them his servants! 
FALSTAFF Well, Mistress Ford; what of her? 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord Lord! your
worship's a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you and all
of us, I pray! 
FALSTAFF Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford,-- 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Marry, this is the short and the long of it; you
have brought her into such a canaries as 'tis
wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when the
court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her
to such a canary. Yet there has been knights, and
lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I warrant
you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift
after gift; smelling so sweetly, all musk, and so
rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in
such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar of
the best and the fairest, that would have won any
woman's heart; and, I warrant you, they could never
get an eye-wink of her: I had myself twenty angels
given me this morning; but I defy all angels, in
any such sort, as they say, but in the way of
honesty: and, I warrant you, they could never get
her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of
them all: and yet there has been earls, nay, which
is more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her. 
FALSTAFF But what says she to me? be brief, my good
she-Mercury. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Marry, she hath received your letter, for the which
she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you
to notify that her husband will be absence from his
house between ten and eleven. 
FALSTAFF Ten and eleven? 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see the
picture, she says, that you wot of: Master Ford,
her husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet
woman leads an ill life with him: he's a very
jealousy man: she leads a very frampold life with
him, good heart. 
FALSTAFF Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I will
not fail her. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Why, you say well. But I have another messenger to
your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty
commendations to you too: and let me tell you in
your ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest wife, and
one, I tell you, that will not miss you morning nor
evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe'er be the
other: and she bade me tell your worship that her
husband is seldom from home; but she hopes there
will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upon
a man: surely I think you have charms, la; yes, in truth. 
FALSTAFF Not I, I assure thee: setting the attractions of my
good parts aside I have no other charms. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Blessing on your heart for't! 
FALSTAFF But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife and
Page's wife acquainted each other how they love me? 
MISTRESS QUICKLY That were a jest indeed! they have not so little
grace, I hope: that were a trick indeed! but
Mistress Page would desire you to send her your
little page, of all loves: her husband has a
marvellous infection to the little page; and truly
Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in
Windsor leads a better life than she does: do what
she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go
to bed when she list, rise when she list, all is as
she will: and truly she deserves it; for if there
be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must
send her your page; no remedy. 
FALSTAFF Why, I will. 
MISTRESS QUICKLY Nay, but do so, then: and, look you, he may come and
go between you both; and in any case have a
nay-word, that you may know one another's mind, and
the boy never need to understand any thing; for
'tis not good that children should know any
wickedness: old folks, you know, have discretion,
as they say, and know the world. 
FALSTAFF Fare thee well: commend me to them both: there's
my purse; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along with
this woman. 
[Exeunt MISTRESS QUICKLY and ROBIN] 
This news distracts me! 
PISTOL This punk is one of Cupid's carriers:
Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights:
Give fire: she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all! 
[Exit] 
FALSTAFF Sayest thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll make
more of thy old body than I have done. Will they
yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense
of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I
thank thee. Let them say 'tis grossly done; so it be
fairly done, no matter. 
[Enter BARDOLPH] 
BARDOLPH Sir John, there's one Master Brook below would fain
speak with you, and be acquainted with you; and hath
sent your worship a morning's draught of sack. 
FALSTAFF Brook is his name? 
BARDOLPH Ay, sir. 
FALSTAFF Call him in. 
[Exit BARDOLPH] 
Such Brooks are welcome to me, that o'erflow such
liquor. Ah, ha! Mistress Ford and Mistress Page
have I encompassed you? go to; via! 
[Re-enter BARDOLPH, with FORD disguised] 
FORD Bless you, sir! 
FALSTAFF And you, sir! Would you speak with me? 
FORD I make bold to press with so little preparation upon
you. 
FALSTAFF You're welcome. What's your will? Give us leave, drawer. 
[Exit BARDOLPH] 
FORD Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much; my name is Brook. 
FALSTAFF Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you. 
FORD Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you;
for I must let you understand I think myself in
better plight for a lender than you are: the which
hath something embolden'd me to this unseasoned
intrusion; for they say, if money go before, all
ways do lie open. 
FALSTAFF Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on. 
FORD Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me:
if you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or
half, for easing me of the carriage. 
FALSTAFF Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter. 
FORD I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing. 
FALSTAFF Speak, good Master Brook: I shall be glad to be
your servant. 
FORD Sir, I hear you are a scholar,--I will be brief
with you,--and you have been a man long known to me,
though I had never so good means, as desire, to make
myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a
thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine
own imperfection: but, good Sir John, as you have
one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded,
turn another into the register of your own; that I
may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you
yourself know how easy it is to be such an offender. 
FALSTAFF Very well, sir; proceed. 
FORD There is a gentlewoman in this town; her husband's
name is Ford. 
FALSTAFF Well, sir. 
FORD I have long loved her, and, I protest to you,
bestowed much on her; followed her with a doting
observance; engrossed opportunities to meet her;
fee'd every slight occasion that could but niggardly
give me sight of her; not only bought many presents
to give her, but have given largely to many to know
what she would have given; briefly, I have pursued
her as love hath pursued me; which hath been on the
wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have
merited, either in my mind or, in my means, meed,
I am sure, I have received none; unless experience
be a jewel that I have purchased at an infinite
rate, and that hath taught me to say this: 
'Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues;
Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.' 
FALSTAFF Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands? 
FORD Never. 
FALSTAFF Have you importuned her to such a purpose? 
FORD Never. 
FALSTAFF Of what quality was your love, then? 
FORD Like a fair house built on another man's ground; so
that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place
where I erected it. 
FALSTAFF To what purpose have you unfolded this to me? 
FORD When I have told you that, I have told you all.